This past December, I remember thinking how proud of myself I was for overcoming my anxiety. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had an anxiety attack. Any form of anxiousness that popped into my life was manageable, normal and extremely easy to cope with. I had dealt with anxiety since childhood, but it finally seemed like I beat it.
And then I got sick.
At the end of December, I got a really bad cold accompanied by some pretty intense gut issues. I’ve had a cold and I’ve had a bug before, but never together. I took my natural remedies, stopped eating so much gluten and sugar (it was the holidays after all) and rode it out. Then out of nowhere, an anxiety attack hit me like a ton of bricks over New Years weekend.
My husband and I were on a little getaway and we went to this cute little restaurant for dinner. As soon as we sat down, I felt anxious. I tried to push it away and chat about the menu and how adorable the restaurant was. And then I entered panic attack mode. I was terrified. I felt hopelessness, despair and full-on terror. For seriously no apparent reason. We were having a great time. We were at this awesome little farm to table restaurant. And I ruined my own evening.
The panic attack scared me so much and I couldn’t make sense of it, that I started to get anxious about having another one. And from there it kind of spiraled.
I couldn’t push that panic attack out of my mind. Why did it happen? How could it happen? I was doing so well. In the days and weeks following, I felt pretty anxious. Particularly around bed time, when I was trying to turn my brain off and all I could think of was how afraid I was to have another panic attack. Which of course, made me more anxious.
At this point, I’m having regular panic attacks. I’m having trouble sleeping. The first attack over New Years combined with the stress of starting a second business (which is a lot of work), renovating every detail of a new house (which is even more work), constantly unsure of when we’re going to be able to move and having our apartment half in boxes and the other half insanely messy, cluttered and disorganized has just really worn on me.
Don’t get me wrong. I know I’m incredibly fortunate. Which makes this all the more difficult, because logically I know I’m doing well and have so many blessings. But I just need some help getting this anxiety under control. In the past, I’ve done it myself. Rode it out for months. I’m not doing that this time. I saw my naturopathic doctor who set me up with some homeopathic medicine to start next week, as well as some kava kava (which she recommended for my type of anxiety, find a naturopathic doctor to find what works for yours). I’m even going to go to a chat therapy session, which I’ve never done and never thought I would. But I’m being proactive this time. I want this gone and I want it gone for good. I think the more angles I attack this from, the better.
In the meantime, I’m taking a little bit of a step back. I tend to think I can take on everything and anything at once. A new business, a new house, a renovation, moving, packing, cleaning, organizing. I can’t. I’m stressed out, guys. I want to be honest with you all about this.
So often with bloggers, you only see the shiny, happy bits of our lives. But, I like to keep it real. So, that’s why I’ve been a bit absent this week and will be a bit absent over the next week or two, which is when we’re planning on moving. I’m taking this time to chill out, relax a bit more and take care of myself. I’m trying to be more kind to myself and not expect so much.
If you’ve ever dealt with anything like this, feel free to reach out, send an email or leave a comment. Dealing with anxiety is really difficult and it feels isolating. Like I’m the only one who has ever gone through such severe anxiety. And I’m guessing a lot of you feel that way too. Please don’t hesitate to chat with me if you feel so inclined.
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