I never in my life thought this would ever happen to me. It wasn’t even something I considered. I never thought that I would sit down to write this, crying, telling you guys that I’ve had a miscarriage.

Scott and I decided to start trying in July, after preparing to get pregnant for about a year. We had been eating a preconception diet, taking supplements and eliminating all things toxic from our life. It only took us two months, and we were pregnant after my second cycle. I recently miscarried, just entering my seventh week.

We were so excited to be pregnant. I tested after Scott left for work and was elated when the test turned positive. I made him a cake that said “THANKS FOR KNOCKING ME UP!”

When he got home and asked if I had tested to see if I was pregnant, I told him I had and that it was negative. A bit later, I told him I made a cake for the blog and I wanted to film him trying it for my YouTube channel. I keep thinking about that damn cake, the video and how happy we were to be pregnant.

At five weeks, I started spotting. I immediately texted the midwife I’d been talking to and planning to work with throughout the pregnancy. She told me that as long as it was only spotting and I wasn’t having any pain or cramping, I was fine. I was reluctant to believe everything was okay, but after spending hours reading about first trimester spotting, I tried to accept the idea.

Then I spotted the next day too. And the next, and the next. I spotted for about two weeks. I knew something wasn’t right, but no one would see me so early into my pregnancy. They wouldn’t be able to see a heartbeat anyway, they said.

I finally made an ultrasounds appointment (which would’ve been this week), and had told them about my spotting. They transferred me to the advice nurse who said,

“If you’re only six weeks I don’t know why you’d come in anyway. We don’t normally see women until they’re eight weeks. If we saw women earlier than that, we’d have a ton of women coming in here with non-viable pregnancies.”

Thanks lady, that’s exactly what I want to hear when I’m fucking terrified and have been spotting for almost two weeks.

The spotting was the worst. Everyone was telling me I had to just wait and see. Spotting isn’t exactly normal, but it’s not uncommon. I wanted to know why it was happening, which no one could tell me. I was just told to wait. For two weeks. Everyday I would bleed, and cry. I was so scared; I just wanted to know what was going on. It was incredibly stressful, like slow torture. Your baby might be okay, but something might be wrong.

Something was wrong.

Over the weekend, Scott and I were getting ready to go out with one of our closest friends and his new girlfriend. I had been spotting on and off all day of course, nothing out of the usual. But it got a bit heavier, and it was red. It still wasn’t a lot, just spotting. But it was more spotting than I had been dealing with, and a little bit of cramping.

We went to dinner and told our friend we were expecting. My excitedment to tell him was diminished by the fact that I was spotting and in the back of my mind I thought something might be wrong, but we were happy anyway. We had a good time and it was a great distraction from the all-consuming stress that I’d been dealing with.

After we said our goodbyes, when we started walking to the car, I felt a huge rush of blood. As we walked, I felt in seeping down my thighs – I was wearing skinny jeans. I knew something was wrong. I was surprisingly calm and silent. I just wanted to get home.

Once we were there, I could see the amount of blood. I could feel the cramps starting to intensify. And then I started to freak out. Scott called the midwife, I was crying hysterically. I eventually got on the phone and she asked me to describe what was happening.

“Well,” she said is a very nice, calm voice, “It sounds like you’re having a miscarriage.”

I knew it too. But hearing confirmation – I broke.

She explained to me what would happen and we chatted for a bit. She told me to talk to people about it, because then I would see how many of my friends and family had had miscarriages. The truth is, I know very few people that have miscarried. At least in my circle, it’s not very common. Which makes me feel even more isolated.

When I hung up, Scott asked what she said.

“That I’m having a miscarriage.” I cried through hysterical sobs.

He seemed shocked. He asked if I was serious, sounding both a bit panicked and a little bit like it couldn’t be real. He later told me that he never thought I would miscarry, that my spotting was really just normal.

I knew it would be the hardest night of my life, and it was.

We were up until around midnight, and I was hysterical the whole time. I finally cried myself to sleep, only to wake up at 2:30. The pain was too intense and I couldn’t sleep; Scott tried to massage away the back pain while I cried. I was up until around 8:00 the next morning. A lot of the night was spent laying in the darkness silently crying and wondering how in the world this happened to me.

Me, the girl who is constantly preaching about preconception health. The girl who has been on prenatals for a year. The girl who won’t even go near over the counter meds. The girl who prides herself on eat organic, nutrient dense foods. I had a miscarriage. Even typing that seems surreal.

The worst of the physical pain has passed. The first night was nothing compared to second day, in which I didn’t spend one part of the day without heating pads, standing in the shower or taking a bath to help with the pain. It was way more intense than period cramps, and I have pretty severe period cramps. Luckily the severe pain stopped after two days and I was able to sleep.

Moving forward – I’m afraid. I’m afraid of this happening again. I’m afraid of getting pregnant again. I’m afraid of how this will affect me in the weeks to come. Why did this happen to me? How will I work? How will I talk to people? How will I go to social events? I can’t imagine even leaving me house right now. I don’t want to talk to people, not even family. I can’t. Aside from text messages, the only person I’ve spoken to is Scott.

I’m hurt. I’m heartbroken. I’m confused.

I can’t believe this has happened to me.

I’m trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m trying to focus on the positives. At least we got pregnant, and it only took two cycles. At least I wasn’t further along in the pregnancy. At least I’m still young. At least I have an incredibly supportive and loving husband who’s been amazing throughout this, from spotting to actually losing the baby.

And like my husband told me, “We’ll try again and we’ll succeed. Because we’re not fucking quitters.”

Please allow me some time as I heal from this. Emails, comments and questions may go unanswered for a little bit. If you’ve dealt with something similar, please feel free to reach out, comment or email to share your story. One of the main reasons I’m sharing this is because I feel that miscarriage is largely a taboo topic, something women are expected to suffer through in silence. I’m sharing this in part to inspire other women who want to talk about their miscarriages but feel that they can’t. I may not be able to respond for a bit, but I’m happy to listen.

Lots of love.

41 Comments

  1. My heart hurts for you. I have not had a miscarriage and cannot even fathom what your enduring. All I can offer is sincere prayers for strength, that you feel love from those around you and you hang on to hope….you will have that baby….hang onto hope.

    • dani stout Reply

      Thank you so much, your comment really makes me feel better. <3

  2. Dani,
    I’m so sorry for your loss.

    I am struggling as well but in a completely different way with conception. I have been preparing my body for over a year and it has been 6 months without success. Taking the supplements, eating completely clean, following all the “rules.”

    I just wanted you to know there are other people out there going through some difficult times as well, as that tends to help me.

    Don’t give up!

  3. Dani, My heart goes out to you and Scott. I’ve have gone through a miscarriage before. The pain, fear, and heart break that goes on in the process is almost indescribable. My boyfriend at the time couldn’t relate and be there for me the way I needed him to be. He refused to talk to me about it. I too felt isolated. Thank goodness Scott is 100% there with and for you. All of us are here for you. I have a crazy, happy and healthy 3 year old little boy now and my miscarriage has taught me to cherish every single moment I have with him. That he is my little miracle and had come into my life when I didn’t even know I needed him. As Melissa says, please hang on to hope. We’ll never understand why bad things happen to us. But hope is what keeps us all going.

  4. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I too miscarried and was totally caught off guard by it. I know some women fear it from the moment they find out they are pregnant but I didn’t. So I was totally shocked and felt like the rug was swept out from under me. I didn’t have any signs of miscarriage and I had already given birth to three healthy babies before. I was a wreck. Please give yourself time to grieve and feel all the emotions. Do what you need to do to heal and take care of yourself first. And just so you know I went on to have another healthy baby down the road. So one miscarriage did not keep me from delivering four healthy babies. Don’t lose hope. Praying for you.

  5. Dani and Scott, I am so deeply sorry about your sweet baby. There is nothing I can say to take away the pain and grief, but I want you to know that I have walked through these “doors” and I know the pain and grief and loss and emptiness.

    I have secondary infertility; my husband and I have gone through four pregnancy losses, one of which was an ectopic pregnancy and I lost one of my fallopian tubes. Even one miscarriage is unbearable, and it isn’t any “less” for those who already have children. One of my friends who lost a baby at birth said, “Grief is grief.”

    The book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith brought me deep healing after my fourth loss. The grief will always be with me, but I changed after reading that book.

    When I was pregnant with my ectopic baby (which later was my third loss), I made a conscious decision to enjoy every moment of that pregnancy, no matter what might happen. My reasoning was that if I had a healthy, safe pregnancy, I wanted to enjoy it, not live in fear which wouldn’t be good for me or baby. And if I had another loss, I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. I’m so thankful I did that. That pregnancy ended up being my most difficult loss by far, mixed with a scary surgery and recovery. Emotionally, things were still difficult, but I bounced back far quicker after that loss than my others and I know it was because of my mentality.

    For me, the fear has been the worst part. So figuring out how to let go of fear and hold onto hope has been a big part of my healing.

    This grief has been very different for my husband than for me. Just like some fathers don’t really connect with their babies until they are born, sometimes miscarriage or pregnancy loss doesn’t hit home at first for men. This was how it was for my husband, and even later it was a much less intense grief than it was for me. And that’s okay. At the time of my miscarriages, his worry was for me – for my physical and mental well-being, my grief. But over time the reality of what is not (our babies) has struck him more deeply. Things like what would have been my due date, seeing a baby or child that is the same age our baby would have been, or reading something that triggers a realization – those things have been triggers for his grief.

    For us moms, while it’s good to share our grief with other women (because women need women), I regret that I didn’t come together more, share more of my grief with my husband. I tended to keep my grief to myself and that hasn’t always been healthy for me, or the best thing for our marriage. Looking back, we had this chance to grow together through the awfulness of loss, and we didn’t do the best that we could have at that.

    Dani, thank you for your openness in talking publicly about your miscarriage. Grief especially regarding pregnancy loss is really still pretty taboo, but more openness can bring a lot of healing, especially for women.

    Dani and Scott, please know you’re in my thoughts and prayers. <3

  6. Laura Beth Hayes Reply

    Dani, I get it and I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My husband and I lost our first baby on June 25th this summer. Not only has that been the darkest day of my life so far, but the weeks that ensued were absolutely the hardest time I have ever been through. I had immense love and support from friends and family, but NOTHING can touch that pain. It does subside, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about that sweet little soul. Hang in there. It does get easier, and you will be a mom again.

  7. I’m so sorry for your loss, I haven’t experienced this but I hurt for you when I read your words. I think it’s so brave of you to share this as no one should have to suffer through these things in silence. I hope you are able to take all the time you need to heal. You are in the thoughts and prayers of many now. <3

    When/if you feel up to it, I've been told this book is helpful for those who have dealt with pregnancy loss: http://www.amazon.com/Silent-Sorrow-Pregnancy-Guidance-Support/dp/0415924812

    And I've been told that Birth Without Fear has a very supportive community as well. https://www.facebook.com/birthwithoutfear?fref=nf

  8. I am so sorry Dani. With such an early pregnancy, you will hear so many people tell you so many very unhelpful things pretending in their minds that belittling your experience is somehow good. It’s not. You need to grieve. You are right to grieve. You experienced a legitimate loss.

    Praying that God wraps His arms around you in this time of pain.

    Much love,

    Brooke

  9. Dani, I’m so sorry to hear that. My heart truly goes out to you. My aunt miscarried twice and went on to have 4 kids in 8 years. I have a couple close friends who have also miscarried and gone on to have successful pregnancies and births. You’re right about it being a taboo topic, but you’re not alone. And your husband is right, it will happen for you two. I know it seems unfair and like you’re being punished for doing everything right but, as little help as it may be to say this, these things just happen sometimes. Consider the fact that maybe had the pregnancy been successful there may have been something wrong with the baby. You and your husband are young and healthy and it will happen for you two when it’s meant to. Lots of love and prayers in your time of healing.

  10. Thank you for writing this. I admire your honesty and the courage it took to write this post, and I feel my heart hurting for you as well.

    I’ve had my own experience of miscarriage, but under much different circumstances – it was how I found out I was pregnant in the first place. Ultimately didn’t like the relationship I was in, so I’m ok with that outcome. Even so… I still fell into a dark hole of depression for a little after that, which I now recognize was also facilitated by hormone withdrawal. I felt very isolated, and kept it a secret. I lost friends because I couldn’t hold space for anyone else’s emotions during that time. I also wished that I had someone to talk to who could understand. Definitely think that was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had, but if it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have so rigorously pursued my own healing journey.

    Long story short – I ended up pursuing my masters in acupuncture and oriental medicine, partially because I was so impressed with how well this medicine helped my menstrual cycles (they had been pretty messed up). I’m in my 10th semester of my program, about to graduate soon. Out of the 35 or so individual women who I’ve been seeing on a regular basis, around a quarter of them in the initial interview mentioned that they have had miscarriages in the past. Almost all of these women also have children now.

    I know this isn’t a very big sample size, but I do think that miscarriage is pretty common, and I think you do stand a good chance of having that baby in the future. You do have plenty of time 🙂

  11. Jon Bairam Reply

    Hi Dani
    My wife had two miscarriages before we finally had our daughter, we prepped as much as we could like you say cutting out toxic and adding loads of the good green stuff…but none the less it happened. The first was considerably later and was very traumatic for her and me as I had to see things I should never had to.
    Our philosophy is that the your body knows what its doing. It creates the environment for a healthy baby to grow, if there were something a wry then the body knows its best not to continue and instead clear the way for the next to be a success. We’ve evolved over time to be brilliant at this in lots of ways and this no different. Your body is doing its job, the next time will be better and your body will show you how good it can be.
    I know its shit at the moment, but it will get better and you will have a baby, conception is the hard part after all…..#biglove

  12. Dani,
    I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I am sorry you feel alone, too. My first pregnancy was also a miscarriage, and it was very early too (never had the ultrasound or 8 week appointment) and that made it harder in some ways to talk about. But the emotional, hormonal aspect was SO REAL– and I was an emotional wreck about it for quite a while. I think I can understand your fear of doing it all over again, and wondering whether the next time you will be able to carry your pregnancy to term. Time will heal some of this for you, and you will know when you are ready to try again.

    People talk a lot about the physical and logistical challenges of motherhood. But the thing that caught me off guard was the introduction of a totally new type of fear and worry, total vulnerability and lack of control that creating people entails. It is truly not for the faint of heart.

    Sending you love as your body and heart heal.

  13. I am so sorry for your loss! You are a grieving mother now, and you have a tiny baby in heaven! Thank you for sharing your story. I have two friends who suffered miscarriages despite healthy lifestyles and both have carried healthy babies since then. And it is great that you conceived quickly! I would try again as soon as you’re ready!

  14. I’m so very sorry for your loss. One of the hardest things about working through miscarriage is that you feel like no one understands what you are going through. Unless they have been through it themselves they probably don’t understand. You’re brave to share your experience and I know by reaching out this way you’re helping others. Lots of prayers for you and your husband.

  15. Hi Dani,

    I just wanted to pass on thoughts of strength and courage during this heartbreaking and confusing time, and say that you are very brave to share your story.

    I actually just left a question on your “essential oils for anxious feelings” page before seeing this post, so please take however long you need to respond.

    My mother had a total of 6 miscarriages while trying to have children, so while I personally can’t understand what you are going through, I can sympathize with the pain a miscarriage brings. My mom got pregnant with me on her third try, after having 2 previous miscarriages. As a child I remember her trying to get pregnant again after me, only to have more miscarriages. I remember the grief and pain and anger that she and my father went through with not being able to have the children they so dearly wanted. For whatever reason, I was her lone “miracle baby,” as she likes to say sometimes. Try to keep your hope alive, even in the darkest of times.

    I wanted to share this with you because even though it might seem like your world is crashing down around you right now and that you can’t possibly recover, you will. You will heal, and grow and be happy and have hope again. You are not alone, stay strong!

  16. Hi Dani,
    I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I certainly do not have the answers, but after learning about mthfr and the mutations that can affect our ability to carry full term, to conceive and so much more, I often wonder if this is part of the issue. It may be something to look into. It’s nothing you’ve done wrong and may be easy to address. Dr Ben Lynch of Seeking Health has put out so much information along with Dr Amy Yasko. I hope you can find some answers and relief soon.
    Kate

  17. I’ve had 2 miscarriages. Most recently, I had a chemical pregnancy in spring, and I’d be due in mid-November. I had only had a faint positive line after testing, after missed period. I started to bleed two days later. I should have know that the lines were not getting dark like they had at the same DPO as the previous pregnancy (and loss). That was in early 2014. I’d gotten a BFP on New Years, and had a missed miscarriage. I went for my first ultrasound at 9w2d. I thought all was fine. I had not had any cramping, I was nauseous and fatigued as all get out, but no spotting or heavy cramping. I/we were told that the baby was measuring small, about 8 weeks, and that there was no heartbeat. We were crushed, and in disbelief (I am older, but I didn’t know this kind of mc was possible), and I even opted for the extra exam with the woman’s clinic to confirm a non-viable pregnancy before opting for a d&c (we were traveling out of country a week later, so letting it happen naturally could have been bad if it had happened on our trip, and I was physically healed before the trip). Stormy’s EDD was Sept 7, 2014….so this is a hard month for me. And while the chemical pregnancy was so brief, November is around the corner. I saw a woman in a store yesterday and foolishly asked when she was due, and she said, mid-November, and I felt gutted. First time this one has been painful since it happened. I didn’t track the months with that one like I did the first one. Still, it was a pregnancy and a loss, and it hurts. They both do. I know how hard it is for you, and I wish you the strength you need, and the comfort and nurturing as well. My husband said that pregnancy is kind of like a match…sometimes you strike and it stays lit and burns normally, sometimes it lights normally, and then fizzles out shortly after, and then sometimes the light is gone as quickly as it had been there. When you light the match, you don’t know what you are going to get. Many hugs from an internet stranger!

  18. michelle frankie Reply

    Dani
    Its gonna be ok, this happened to my brother s wife and they tried again and have a beautiful son. I was gonna suggest maybe going to compounding pharmacist and doing saliva hormonal testing. Is your thyroid ok “stop the thyroid Madness”. Also, where I live is a wonderful Barberra Brennan Healer named MaryAnn Micheals unbelievably intuitive I know she could help you I know it. She could tell u probably why it happened theres always a soul thing going on also…I love u your a wonderful person don’t worry it will work out. My heart sank when I read your letter your gonna be a wonderful momma someday don’t worry. xoxoxhttp://www.maryannmichaels.com

    • dani Reply

      Thank you so much. I’m going to check out her site. Lots of love

  19. Alex Volquardsen Reply

    Thank you for sharing your story! I had similar spotting and I remember crying for days on end wondering if my baby was ok. Such a horrible feeling.

    I am also going to tell you that your next pregnancy will be filled with worry and doubt because there is nothing more terrifying than losing something you love so much. But it’s worth it.

    What a kind and loving heart you have! You will make such a wonderful mother! Sending lots of prayers your way! xo

    • dani Reply

      Thank you! And you’re right. I know I’m going to worry a ton next time. So many have people have told me just to be thankful and happy when it happens again, and that’s kind of annoying to me. I’m scared. I have good reason to be scared, you know? Thank you.

  20. i am so sorry, dani. i’ve never gone through a miscarriage but i’m sure it is difficult. some things are just really unfair and i dont know why they happen. it’s nothing you have done.

    i hope you and scott are able to have the family you want in the future!

  21. I’m so sorry for your loss. Doctors may not call it a “viable” pregnancy, but to you it was your first baby. I’m sure sharing your story will help so many others that have gone through this.
    I did have spotting with my pregnancies, but I didn’t have a miscarriage. I tell you that because if you get pregnant and spot again, it doesn’t necessarily mean another miscarriage.
    I’m sending prayers for you and your husband.

    • dani Reply

      Thank you. I know I’m going to flip if I spot when I’m pregnant again.

  22. Oh how I want to hug you right now!

    I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of February. Luckily my doctor saw me very early on. I went in for blood work and the day before Valentines day the doctor called and told me that my levels weren’t rising like they should. Go home, wait and i’ll see you in 2 weeks. WTF?! Wait for what! You are telling me that I am losing my baby? So for 2 weeks I waited. I went to work. every single day. I had no spotting. I was very hopeful they were wrong. I’m 25, I workout, I eat decent, I dont smoke, I dont drink…how could this happen to me?

    I went in for my next appointment. No baby on the ultrasound, but I had a cyst on my ovary and they took me into surgery the next day to remove a cyst. While they were in there, they found the baby growing in my tube. Needless to say, I had to have that tube removed. One minute I’m a healthy pregnant 25 year old and the next minute I lost my baby and my tube and my chances of having a baby went down 50%.

    Please know that it is ok to be mad. It is ok to not talk to anyone you dont want to. It is ok to yell. cry. feel sorry for yourself. You are allowed to feel all the feelings. Just do not feel them for too long. Their is light at the end of this ugly road. But you are not alone. It may not be common in your circle but trust me, your circle of people on this blog is very big and their are so many women who can relate to your story.

    Your story has helped me feel like I am not alone. That someone who has a blog and reaches millions of people daily even had this happen to them. That you aren’t perfect. That even someone who IS healthy has problems. I’m sure you have a million “Well maybe if I would have done this” “Or maybe its because I did that” questions running through your head. Your body didn’t betray you and you did not do anything wrong. You are perfect.

    <3

    • dani Reply

      Crying. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I’m beyond appreciative of this comment. I’m sending lots of love your way, sister.

  23. I am so sorry you had to go through this. My best friend miscarried in her first attempt at a pregnancy this past spring. She was absolutely devastated, as was her husband. But, come to find out -it really is common in younger people specifically in their 20s early 30s. Do NOT feel alone! It’s a matter of trying again 🙂 I hope you keep walking in His provision and what He has in store for your life. Everything happens for a reason darling!

    Your husband is absolutely right. Oh, and by the way, my best friend got pregnant successfully the second time around and she’s due in 2 months! I have no doubt that your wonderful, beautiful body will reproduce soon. Be patient doll, good things are in store for you and your husband.

  24. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you and Scott keep persevering. I do wonder how common/uncommon miscarriages were in primal societies where pregnant women remained more sedentary and supported by a tribe of hunters and gatherers. Were those females more immobile throughout pregnancy?

    There is added stress in modern society aside from the difference in nutrition and physiological health.

    One model of pregnancy that intrigues me is the Aborigine. Dr. Weston Price documented that they breast-fed for 3 years. That caught my eye. I wondered what kind of nutritional backdrop gave mothers the ability to convey nourishment to infants up until an age where they themselves could easily venture about tribal grounds mimicking hunters and perhaps doing a little of their own gathering?

    Dr. Price took blood samples and measured fat-soluble vitamin levels in Aborigine at 20x that of the people of his era in Western Civilization. A, D, E, K are missing. E particularly could be deficient in otherwise healthy mothers due to low body-fat. E is stored in body fat. D is tricky because it requires a little-understood enzyme to convert from its inactive form. Its active form comes from yucky foods like sardines and liver. Primitive females were not just getting inactive D from sunshine, they were consuming organ meats dense in D. Those are just two examples but I do feel that since we are animals, and our bodies are comprised of animal fats, we need more fat-soluble vitamins. I’m not talking chicken, turkey, filets of fish or even a piece of sirloin. I’m talking liver, heart etc.

    Prenatal vitamins are 100% sourced from plants and require enzymes to activate. Vitamins in animal meats have been activated by that animal and give us surpluses to maintain and thrive in growth states such as pregnancy.

  25. I am so sorry for your loss. You are definitely not alone. I have had 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy. We will be pursuing IVF in June, but I know I will not be able to stop worrying until I hold a baby in my arms.

    • dani Reply

      Thanks, Mindy. Sending lots of love and wishing you the best!

  26. I’m very sorry for you. I had a miscarriage last May. It was the hardest thing I had ever went through.
    At that point we had been eating organic, real food for 5 years. Miscarriages are very common and diet often has nothing at all to do with it. It actually greatly upsets me when I see other real food blogs say that you will have a healthy, easy, morning sickness-free pregnancy if you only eat real food/WAPF/Paleo/etc. Miscarriages are often nature’s way of taking care of a chromosomal problem, and fermented cod liver oil won’t fix that.
    Of course, that doesn’t make it any easier for us – it hurts. I send you lots of love and wish you lots of blessings.

  27. I just started reading your website tonight and came across your post. I lost two babies myself. It was awful. And no one seemed to understand or care. I was pretty healthy on both pregnancies so I couldn’t understand why it happened. I became pregnant again, started spotting, but this time my sister made me go to the obgyn to get Progesterone suppositories. I was leery at first, since I didn’t want anything to hurt the baby. Let me tell you it was the best decision I ever made. My spotting stopped and I went on to deliver a healthy baby boy, who is 9 years old now. There were no side effects with the progesterone. I just wanted to share that with you.I will be praying for you.

    • dani Reply

      Thank you, Ramona!! My last doctor told me progesterone shouldn’t be admitting for spotting during pregnancy because it happens because the baby isn’t healthy. It’s so comforting know you had a healthy baby!

  28. Dani Benschoter Reply

    Wow, you have 100% down the the weeks have described what I am going through right now.. I was able to go the doctor on Jan. 11 because I had spotted for a whole weekend.. They did an internal ultrasound and my baby had a heartbeat of 131.. I could finally calm down. The 18th was my first official appointment at 7 weeks. We sat through our first appointment learning all the “dos and don’ts” while being pregnant. I had gone to the bathroom to pee in the cup and when I wiped it was all blood. I was in a panic, my blood pressure was 160/140.. The nurse told me just calm down, sometimes people bleed through their entire pregnancy.

    I calmed down, but still didn’t feel quite right. We finished our appointment and then had blood work done, we had some time in between then and our ultra sound.. Finally we had our ultrasound…

    The tech did a few different things than she did the last time. She didn’t really say much and when the time came to turn on the sound to hear the heartbeat she turned it on for about 5 seconds and turned it off.. Just noise… No heartbeat. She finished, asked me to get dressed, but I couldn’t leave until she talked to the doctor. She came back in our room as asked if we would wait around for the doctor to get out of surgery because he needed to talk to us.

    We waited 45 minutes in the waiting room, where my husband tried his best to convince me it was okay as he paced the floor, I had a sense of calmness, telling myself it was going to be okay, but I knew it wasn’t.

    Finally, he calls us back. He tells us that when a woman spots once and everything is okay on the ultrasound everything usually turns out okay, but if you bleed again then we have to make sure.. “There was no heartbeat this time.” He handed me a tissue and I just cried, trying to listen to him giving me my options.. My husband and I went home, confused and sad. The doctor said I could have the miscarriage naturally, take a pill to make it happen faster or have a d&c, but he wanted me to go home and think about it.

    I called the next morning to let them know I was just going to let it happen naturally.. The cramps and the bleeding weren’t terrible, but hurt enough to keep me down. On my 3rd day off from teaching I decided to call the doctor and explain to her that I didn’t feel like it was really happening.. Just bleed, no clots really, nothing major like everyone said there was going to be. They prescribed me a set of pills that would “finish the process.” Not what I wanted to do, but I also couldn’t stand the waiting for it to happen, I’ve been sad the whole time and I know I won’t stop sitting my yoga pants at home being sad until this process comes to an end.. The sadness won’t go away, but I have to start functioning again.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story because it was so similar to mine.. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss and I pray that you’ll get your healthy baby next time, as I pray I will get mine, too. I’m going to follow your health ideas and try to make my body a healthier place as well. ??

    • dani Reply

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this and that this is happening to you. It is one of the worst things a woman can go through and I’m not going to tell you it’s not, or that it happened for a reason, or that the timing wasn’t right (even though those things may be true, I know I didn’t want to hear them when I told people I had miscarried).

      What I will tell you is that is does get easier. The sadness does ease up. For a long time, I cried everyday. I cried when I was driving or heard a song on the radio or watched a movie – everything made me cry. It’s quite a transition to go from being pregnant to not being pregnant. It’s brutal. But you’ll get through it. I remember wondering how the hell I would ever feel happy again, but you will. I won’t say that time heals the pain of having a miscarriage. I still hurt from it. Even now, I’m crying writing this. But slowly the pain becomes less dominant. It won’t consume your days or thoughts.

      I am so, so sorry this is happening to you. You will come out of this a stronger, more empathetic person. It WILL get easier. Give yourself time to heal emotionally and physically. I’m sending so much love your way and praying that we both get our rainbow babies.

  29. I’ve only just found your blog but wanted to comment on this and send you love.
    As pretty much everyone else has said, miscarriages are very common. But always such a cruel, cruel shock.
    I have two children (daughter, 4 and son, 18 months), and had a miscarriage in between. No idea why; it just wasn’t viable. My first pregnancy was free of complications, as was my third, but for each of them – both before and after the miscarriage – the waiting and not knowing just how my babies were doing was difficult.
    It is a difficult thing to recover from, especially as you’re so in the dark as to why it happened, but giving yourself time to adjust, and then trying again, is a good plan. Sending love and prayers that you get your baby one day soon xx

    • dani Reply

      Thank you!! It’s definitely tough, especially with the pregnancy after and constant worrying. Appreciate the comment!

  30. We went in at 13 weeks to hear the heartbeat for the first time. Our midwife couldn’t find anything no matter how he’d we tried. She sent me to get an ultrasound that evening (a dr friend stayed late to see us) and he found that our identical twins (we didn’t realize we had twins again) had passed away only a few days before hand. They were conjoined and shared a heart. They would not have lived anyways. We stared at the screen as our other fraternal twins boys played under the chairs of the ultrasound room. The babies were facing each other holding each other in their arms. But they were gone. I went home and a couple days later I miscarried almost exactly as you described. It was painful and my husband was with me as I cried. The worst part was, they came out and I held them in my hand. All I could do was scream ” my babies!” And sobbed. This was 3 years ago. Since then we have had a beautiful little girl and have cherished her and her twin brothers. But it’s still a very real and very raw open wound in my heart. I still don’t know how to deal with it.

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