miscarriage

I never in my life thought this would ever happen to me. It wasn’t even something I considered. I never thought that I would sit down to write this, crying, telling you guys that I’ve had a miscarriage.

Scott and I decided to start trying in July, after preparing to get pregnant for about a year. We had been eating a preconception diet, taking supplements and eliminating all things toxic from our life. It only took us two months, and we were pregnant after my second cycle. I recently miscarried, just entering my seventh week.

We were so excited to be pregnant. I tested after Scott left for work and was elated when the test turned positive. I made him a cake that said “THANKS FOR KNOCKING ME UP!”

When he got home and asked if I had tested to see if I was pregnant, I told him I had and that it was negative. A bit later, I told him I made a cake for the blog and I wanted to film him trying it for my YouTube channel. I keep thinking about that damn cake, the video and how happy we were to be pregnant.

At five weeks, I started spotting. I immediately texted the midwife I’d been talking to and planning to work with throughout the pregnancy. She told me that as long as it was only spotting and I wasn’t having any pain or cramping, I was fine. I was reluctant to believe everything was okay, but after spending hours reading about first trimester spotting, I tried to accept the idea.

Then I spotted the next day too. And the next, and the next. I spotted for about two weeks. I knew something wasn’t right, but no one would see me so early into my pregnancy. They wouldn’t be able to see a heartbeat anyway, they said.

I finally made an ultrasounds appointment (which would’ve been this week), and had told them about my spotting. They transferred me to the advice nurse who said,

“If you’re only six weeks I don’t know why you’d come in anyway. We don’t normally see women until they’re eight weeks. If we saw women earlier than that, we’d have a ton of women coming in here with non-viable pregnancies.”

Thanks lady, that’s exactly what I want to hear when I’m fucking terrified and have been spotting for almost two weeks.

The spotting was the worst. Everyone was telling me I had to just wait and see. Spotting isn’t exactly normal, but it’s not uncommon. I wanted to know why it was happening, which no one could tell me. I was just told to wait. For two weeks. Everyday I would bleed, and cry. I was so scared; I just wanted to know what was going on. It was incredibly stressful, like slow torture. Your baby might be okay, but something might be wrong.

Something was wrong.

Over the weekend, Scott and I were getting ready to go out with one of our closest friends and his new girlfriend. I had been spotting on and off all day of course, nothing out of the usual. But it got a bit heavier, and it was red. It still wasn’t a lot, just spotting. But it was more spotting than I had been dealing with, and a little bit of cramping.

We went to dinner and told our friend we were expecting. My excitedment to tell him was diminished by the fact that I was spotting and in the back of my mind I thought something might be wrong, but we were happy anyway. We had a good time and it was a great distraction from the all-consuming stress that I’d been dealing with.

After we said our goodbyes, when we started walking to the car, I felt a huge rush of blood. As we walked, I felt in seeping down my thighs – I was wearing skinny jeans. I knew something was wrong. I was surprisingly calm and silent. I just wanted to get home.

Once we were there, I could see the amount of blood. I could feel the cramps starting to intensify. And then I started to freak out. Scott called the midwife, I was crying hysterically. I eventually got on the phone and she asked me to describe what was happening.

“Well,” she said is a very nice, calm voice, “It sounds like you’re having a miscarriage.”

I knew it too. But hearing confirmation – I broke.

She explained to me what would happen and we chatted for a bit. She told me to talk to people about it, because then I would see how many of my friends and family had had miscarriages. The truth is, I know very few people that have miscarried. At least in my circle, it’s not very common. Which makes me feel even more isolated.

When I hung up, Scott asked what she said.

“That I’m having a miscarriage.” I cried through hysterical sobs.

He seemed shocked. He asked if I was serious, sounding both a bit panicked and a little bit like it couldn’t be real. He later told me that he never thought I would miscarry, that my spotting was really just normal.

I knew it would be the hardest night of my life, and it was.

We were up until around midnight, and I was hysterical the whole time. I finally cried myself to sleep, only to wake up at 2:30. The pain was too intense and I couldn’t sleep; Scott tried to massage away the back pain while I cried. I was up until around 8:00 the next morning. A lot of the night was spent laying in the darkness silently crying and wondering how in the world this happened to me.

Me, the girl who is constantly preaching about preconception health. The girl who has been on prenatals for a year. The girl who won’t even go near over the counter meds. The girl who prides herself on eat organic, nutrient dense foods. I had a miscarriage. Even typing that seems surreal.

The worst of the physical pain has passed. The first night was nothing compared to second day, in which I didn’t spend one part of the day without heating pads, standing in the shower or taking a bath to help with the pain. It was way more intense than period cramps, and I have pretty severe period cramps. Luckily the severe pain stopped after two days and I was able to sleep.

Moving forward – I’m afraid. I’m afraid of this happening again. I’m afraid of getting pregnant again. I’m afraid of how this will affect me in the weeks to come. Why did this happen to me? How will I work? How will I talk to people? How will I go to social events? I can’t imagine even leaving me house right now. I don’t want to talk to people, not even family. I can’t. Aside from text messages, the only person I’ve spoken to is Scott.

I’m hurt. I’m heartbroken. I’m confused.

I can’t believe this has happened to me.

I’m trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m trying to focus on the positives. At least we got pregnant, and it only took two cycles. At least I wasn’t further along in the pregnancy. At least I’m still young. At least I have an incredibly supportive and loving husband who’s been amazing throughout this, from spotting to actually losing the baby.

And like my husband told me, “We’ll try again and we’ll succeed. Because we’re not fucking quitters.”

Please allow me some time as I heal from this. Emails, comments and questions may go unanswered for a little bit. If you’ve dealt with something similar, please feel free to reach out, comment or email to share your story. One of the main reasons I’m sharing this is because I feel that miscarriage is largely a taboo topic, something women are expected to suffer through in silence. I’m sharing this in part to inspire other women who want to talk about their miscarriages but feel that they can’t. I may not be able to respond for a bit, but I’m happy to listen.

Lots of love.

24 responses on “Let’s talk about my miscarriage.

  1. Melissa

    My heart hurts for you. I have not had a miscarriage and cannot even fathom what your enduring. All I can offer is sincere prayers for strength, that you feel love from those around you and you hang on to hope….you will have that baby….hang onto hope.

  2. michelle frankie

    Dani
    Its gonna be ok, this happened to my brother s wife and they tried again and have a beautiful son. I was gonna suggest maybe going to compounding pharmacist and doing saliva hormonal testing. Is your thyroid ok “stop the thyroid Madness”. Also, where I live is a wonderful Barberra Brennan Healer named MaryAnn Micheals unbelievably intuitive I know she could help you I know it. She could tell u probably why it happened theres always a soul thing going on also…I love u your a wonderful person don’t worry it will work out. My heart sank when I read your letter your gonna be a wonderful momma someday don’t worry. xoxoxhttp://www.maryannmichaels.com

  3. Alex Volquardsen

    Thank you for sharing your story! I had similar spotting and I remember crying for days on end wondering if my baby was ok. Such a horrible feeling.

    I am also going to tell you that your next pregnancy will be filled with worry and doubt because there is nothing more terrifying than losing something you love so much. But it’s worth it.

    What a kind and loving heart you have! You will make such a wonderful mother! Sending lots of prayers your way! xo

    1. dani Post author

      Thank you! And you’re right. I know I’m going to worry a ton next time. So many have people have told me just to be thankful and happy when it happens again, and that’s kind of annoying to me. I’m scared. I have good reason to be scared, you know? Thank you.

  4. joanna

    i am so sorry, dani. i’ve never gone through a miscarriage but i’m sure it is difficult. some things are just really unfair and i dont know why they happen. it’s nothing you have done.

    i hope you and scott are able to have the family you want in the future!

  5. Lori Booty

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Doctors may not call it a “viable” pregnancy, but to you it was your first baby. I’m sure sharing your story will help so many others that have gone through this.
    I did have spotting with my pregnancies, but I didn’t have a miscarriage. I tell you that because if you get pregnant and spot again, it doesn’t necessarily mean another miscarriage.
    I’m sending prayers for you and your husband.

  6. Amanda

    Oh how I want to hug you right now!

    I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of February. Luckily my doctor saw me very early on. I went in for blood work and the day before Valentines day the doctor called and told me that my levels weren’t rising like they should. Go home, wait and i’ll see you in 2 weeks. WTF?! Wait for what! You are telling me that I am losing my baby? So for 2 weeks I waited. I went to work. every single day. I had no spotting. I was very hopeful they were wrong. I’m 25, I workout, I eat decent, I dont smoke, I dont drink…how could this happen to me?

    I went in for my next appointment. No baby on the ultrasound, but I had a cyst on my ovary and they took me into surgery the next day to remove a cyst. While they were in there, they found the baby growing in my tube. Needless to say, I had to have that tube removed. One minute I’m a healthy pregnant 25 year old and the next minute I lost my baby and my tube and my chances of having a baby went down 50%.

    Please know that it is ok to be mad. It is ok to not talk to anyone you dont want to. It is ok to yell. cry. feel sorry for yourself. You are allowed to feel all the feelings. Just do not feel them for too long. Their is light at the end of this ugly road. But you are not alone. It may not be common in your circle but trust me, your circle of people on this blog is very big and their are so many women who can relate to your story.

    Your story has helped me feel like I am not alone. That someone who has a blog and reaches millions of people daily even had this happen to them. That you aren’t perfect. That even someone who IS healthy has problems. I’m sure you have a million “Well maybe if I would have done this” “Or maybe its because I did that” questions running through your head. Your body didn’t betray you and you did not do anything wrong. You are perfect.

    <3

    1. dani Post author

      Crying. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I’m beyond appreciative of this comment. I’m sending lots of love your way, sister.

  7. Anali

    I am so sorry you had to go through this. My best friend miscarried in her first attempt at a pregnancy this past spring. She was absolutely devastated, as was her husband. But, come to find out -it really is common in younger people specifically in their 20s early 30s. Do NOT feel alone! It’s a matter of trying again 🙂 I hope you keep walking in His provision and what He has in store for your life. Everything happens for a reason darling!

    Your husband is absolutely right. Oh, and by the way, my best friend got pregnant successfully the second time around and she’s due in 2 months! I have no doubt that your wonderful, beautiful body will reproduce soon. Be patient doll, good things are in store for you and your husband.

  8. Bret

    I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you and Scott keep persevering. I do wonder how common/uncommon miscarriages were in primal societies where pregnant women remained more sedentary and supported by a tribe of hunters and gatherers. Were those females more immobile throughout pregnancy?

    There is added stress in modern society aside from the difference in nutrition and physiological health.

    One model of pregnancy that intrigues me is the Aborigine. Dr. Weston Price documented that they breast-fed for 3 years. That caught my eye. I wondered what kind of nutritional backdrop gave mothers the ability to convey nourishment to infants up until an age where they themselves could easily venture about tribal grounds mimicking hunters and perhaps doing a little of their own gathering?

    Dr. Price took blood samples and measured fat-soluble vitamin levels in Aborigine at 20x that of the people of his era in Western Civilization. A, D, E, K are missing. E particularly could be deficient in otherwise healthy mothers due to low body-fat. E is stored in body fat. D is tricky because it requires a little-understood enzyme to convert from its inactive form. Its active form comes from yucky foods like sardines and liver. Primitive females were not just getting inactive D from sunshine, they were consuming organ meats dense in D. Those are just two examples but I do feel that since we are animals, and our bodies are comprised of animal fats, we need more fat-soluble vitamins. I’m not talking chicken, turkey, filets of fish or even a piece of sirloin. I’m talking liver, heart etc.

    Prenatal vitamins are 100% sourced from plants and require enzymes to activate. Vitamins in animal meats have been activated by that animal and give us surpluses to maintain and thrive in growth states such as pregnancy.

  9. Mindy

    I am so sorry for your loss. You are definitely not alone. I have had 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy. We will be pursuing IVF in June, but I know I will not be able to stop worrying until I hold a baby in my arms.

  10. Cristina

    I’m very sorry for you. I had a miscarriage last May. It was the hardest thing I had ever went through.
    At that point we had been eating organic, real food for 5 years. Miscarriages are very common and diet often has nothing at all to do with it. It actually greatly upsets me when I see other real food blogs say that you will have a healthy, easy, morning sickness-free pregnancy if you only eat real food/WAPF/Paleo/etc. Miscarriages are often nature’s way of taking care of a chromosomal problem, and fermented cod liver oil won’t fix that.
    Of course, that doesn’t make it any easier for us – it hurts. I send you lots of love and wish you lots of blessings.

  11. Ramona

    I just started reading your website tonight and came across your post. I lost two babies myself. It was awful. And no one seemed to understand or care. I was pretty healthy on both pregnancies so I couldn’t understand why it happened. I became pregnant again, started spotting, but this time my sister made me go to the obgyn to get Progesterone suppositories. I was leery at first, since I didn’t want anything to hurt the baby. Let me tell you it was the best decision I ever made. My spotting stopped and I went on to deliver a healthy baby boy, who is 9 years old now. There were no side effects with the progesterone. I just wanted to share that with you.I will be praying for you.

    1. dani Post author

      Thank you, Ramona!! My last doctor told me progesterone shouldn’t be admitting for spotting during pregnancy because it happens because the baby isn’t healthy. It’s so comforting know you had a healthy baby!

  12. Dani Benschoter

    Wow, you have 100% down the the weeks have described what I am going through right now.. I was able to go the doctor on Jan. 11 because I had spotted for a whole weekend.. They did an internal ultrasound and my baby had a heartbeat of 131.. I could finally calm down. The 18th was my first official appointment at 7 weeks. We sat through our first appointment learning all the “dos and don’ts” while being pregnant. I had gone to the bathroom to pee in the cup and when I wiped it was all blood. I was in a panic, my blood pressure was 160/140.. The nurse told me just calm down, sometimes people bleed through their entire pregnancy.

    I calmed down, but still didn’t feel quite right. We finished our appointment and then had blood work done, we had some time in between then and our ultra sound.. Finally we had our ultrasound…

    The tech did a few different things than she did the last time. She didn’t really say much and when the time came to turn on the sound to hear the heartbeat she turned it on for about 5 seconds and turned it off.. Just noise… No heartbeat. She finished, asked me to get dressed, but I couldn’t leave until she talked to the doctor. She came back in our room as asked if we would wait around for the doctor to get out of surgery because he needed to talk to us.

    We waited 45 minutes in the waiting room, where my husband tried his best to convince me it was okay as he paced the floor, I had a sense of calmness, telling myself it was going to be okay, but I knew it wasn’t.

    Finally, he calls us back. He tells us that when a woman spots once and everything is okay on the ultrasound everything usually turns out okay, but if you bleed again then we have to make sure.. “There was no heartbeat this time.” He handed me a tissue and I just cried, trying to listen to him giving me my options.. My husband and I went home, confused and sad. The doctor said I could have the miscarriage naturally, take a pill to make it happen faster or have a d&c, but he wanted me to go home and think about it.

    I called the next morning to let them know I was just going to let it happen naturally.. The cramps and the bleeding weren’t terrible, but hurt enough to keep me down. On my 3rd day off from teaching I decided to call the doctor and explain to her that I didn’t feel like it was really happening.. Just bleed, no clots really, nothing major like everyone said there was going to be. They prescribed me a set of pills that would “finish the process.” Not what I wanted to do, but I also couldn’t stand the waiting for it to happen, I’ve been sad the whole time and I know I won’t stop sitting my yoga pants at home being sad until this process comes to an end.. The sadness won’t go away, but I have to start functioning again.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story because it was so similar to mine.. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss and I pray that you’ll get your healthy baby next time, as I pray I will get mine, too. I’m going to follow your health ideas and try to make my body a healthier place as well. ??

    1. dani Post author

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this and that this is happening to you. It is one of the worst things a woman can go through and I’m not going to tell you it’s not, or that it happened for a reason, or that the timing wasn’t right (even though those things may be true, I know I didn’t want to hear them when I told people I had miscarried).

      What I will tell you is that is does get easier. The sadness does ease up. For a long time, I cried everyday. I cried when I was driving or heard a song on the radio or watched a movie – everything made me cry. It’s quite a transition to go from being pregnant to not being pregnant. It’s brutal. But you’ll get through it. I remember wondering how the hell I would ever feel happy again, but you will. I won’t say that time heals the pain of having a miscarriage. I still hurt from it. Even now, I’m crying writing this. But slowly the pain becomes less dominant. It won’t consume your days or thoughts.

      I am so, so sorry this is happening to you. You will come out of this a stronger, more empathetic person. It WILL get easier. Give yourself time to heal emotionally and physically. I’m sending so much love your way and praying that we both get our rainbow babies.

  13. Emma

    I’ve only just found your blog but wanted to comment on this and send you love.
    As pretty much everyone else has said, miscarriages are very common. But always such a cruel, cruel shock.
    I have two children (daughter, 4 and son, 18 months), and had a miscarriage in between. No idea why; it just wasn’t viable. My first pregnancy was free of complications, as was my third, but for each of them – both before and after the miscarriage – the waiting and not knowing just how my babies were doing was difficult.
    It is a difficult thing to recover from, especially as you’re so in the dark as to why it happened, but giving yourself time to adjust, and then trying again, is a good plan. Sending love and prayers that you get your baby one day soon xx

    1. dani Post author

      Thank you!! It’s definitely tough, especially with the pregnancy after and constant worrying. Appreciate the comment!

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